Cynical

Laughing is the best medicine. Unless you are laughing for no reason…Then you need medicine.
KARMASUTRA: When life fucks you in all sorts of creative ways.
Some people just need a hug…around the neck…with a rope.
At first I cared, but then I was like “Nah, fuck you”.
Every day is another opportunity to fuck it all up again.
Didn’t care yesterday. Don’t give a shit today. Probably won’t give a fuck tomorrow.
Don’t worry about getting older. You’re still going to do dumb stuff, only slower.
Don’t like me? Have a seat with the rest of the bitches waiting for me to give a fuck.
Nobody dies a virgin. Life fucks us all. – Kurt Cobain
Being single is lonely. Being in a relationship is stressful. Just talking to people is fucking annoying. You really can’t win.
Can you die from constipation? I’m a little worried with how full of shit some people are.
Before you speak, listen. Before you act, think. Before you give up try. Before you take a shit, make sure there is toilet paper.
Mirrors don’t lie. And lucky for you they don’t laugh either.
Listen, smile, agree. And then do whatever the fuck you were gonna do anyway. – Robert Downey Jr.
Before you judge someone, walk a mile in their shoes. After that who cares? They’re mile away and you’ve got their shoes.
How to be grown up at work: Replace “Fuck You” with “OK Great”.
Don't be a magnet for fucktards and shitwits.
Forgive and forget? I’m neither Jesus nor do I have an Alzheimer’s.
Complaining is mouth farting. And like any farting, I don’t mind hearing my own, but I don’t want to hear anyone else’s.
“As fuck” is my favorite unit of measurement.
Don’t try to understand women. Women understand women and they hate each other.
Do not be so open-minded. your brains fall out. – G.K. Chesterton.
Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you only dress yourself. Moral of the story: in life no one helps you once you’re fucked.
Every family has one weird relative. If you don’t know who it is, then it’s probably you.
Life is like a dick. Sometimes it's up... Sometimes it's down... But it won't be hard forever.