Cynical

Be nice, but not too nice. The world will FUCK YOU otherwise.
Being an adult is like looking both ways before crossing the street and then getting hit by fucking airplane.
I have 3 moods: IDK, IDC, IDGAF.
You think everyone has the same heart as you, and that's what's going to fuck you up.
Every evening when I tell my boss "Have a good night", what I really saying is "Go fuck yourself".
How many times do I have to say "excuse me" before "get the fuck out of my way" becomes acceptable?
I am much nicer if you don't get to know me.
opinions are like farts, everyone else’s stinks, they are hard to hold in and when you let one go, at least one person will leave the room
Trusting people has made me the asshole I am today.
Remember, if you have an issue with me I will never give a flying fuck. My life, my rules. Can’t handle it? Fuck the fuck off.
ALWAYS BE YOURSELF. (except during job interviews, the first few month of a relationship, or any type of social interaction)
When you try your hardest not to be a fucker, but everyone you deal with is a fucker, so you end up being a bigger fucker just to outfuck the fuckers.
"GO ON", I whisper as I unfold my hands towards the open sky. A single fuck escapes from my finger, soaring gracefully into the cool air. "YOU'RE FREE NOW". My last fuck has gone. I have none left to give.
If I offended you, cry me a river. I’ll bring snacks and a raft. I will literally float down your tears eating chips and working on my tan.
If you have a problem with me, get over it. You'll make yourself miserable waiting for me to give a fuck.
If you can't look back at your younger self and realize that you were an idiot, you are probably still an idiot.
A lot of people lacked that gift: knowing when to fuck off. - Gillian Flynn
Sorry for the mean, awful, accurate things I said.
People like to say they are "Real", but they don't say real what. Real shady, real needy, a real piece of shit. Sorry, but I need you to be more specific.
The older I get, the less I try to tip toe around people's feelings. You either like me or you don't. Simple as that.
Life belongs to those who don’t give a fuck.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. - George Carlin
I used to walk into a room full of people and wonder if they liked me. Now I look around and wonder If I like them.
The fact that the jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains gives hope to many people.
Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.