Every guy thinks that every girl’s dream is to find the perfect guy. Wrong! Every girl’s dream is to eat without getting fat.
If it’s the thought that counts then I should probably be in jail.
Don’t judge a person for drinking and swearing, judge the quiet sober ones. Those fuckers are up to something.
Sex is like math. Add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray you don't multiply.
I don’t understand why drunk me always seems to have more money than sober me.
Laughing is the best medicine. Unless you are laughing for no reason…Then you need medicine.
KARMASUTRA: When life fucks you in all sorts of creative ways.
Some people just need a hug…around the neck…with a rope.
Every day is another opportunity to fuck it all up again.
Didn’t care yesterday. Don’t give a shit today. Probably won’t give a fuck tomorrow.
Don’t worry about getting older. You’re still going to do dumb stuff, only slower.
I love being me. It pisses off all the right people.
Being single is lonely. Being in a relationship is stressful. Just talking to people is fucking annoying. You really can’t win.
ALCOHOL! Because no great story ever started with someone eating a salad.
Before you speak, listen. Before you act, think. Before you give up try. Before you take a shit, make sure there is toilet paper.
Mirrors don’t lie. And lucky for you they don’t laugh either.
Listen, smile, agree. And then do whatever the fuck you were gonna do anyway. – Robert Downey Jr.
Before you judge someone, walk a mile in their shoes. After that who cares? They’re mile away and you’ve got their shoes.
How to be grown up at work: Replace “Fuck You” with “OK Great”.
Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure you are not surrounded by assholes.
Arguing with a woman is like getting arrested. Everything you say can and will be used against you.
Even duct tape can’t fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.
Forgive and forget? I’m neither Jesus nor do I have an Alzheimer’s.
I told myself that I should stop drinking. But I’m not about to listen to a drunk that talk to himself.
Don’t break anybody’s heart, they have only one. Break their bones, they have 206.