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If you're arguing with an idiot for more than a minute, then there will be two idiots.

If you’re arguing…

Behind every hangover, there's a promise of never drinking again.

Behind every hangover…

I can never just go for a drink or two. Always leads to 3 bottles of wine, an argument, an injury and 4 people I can’t look in the eye again.

I can never just go for a drink..

I always start the day with good intentions. Then I get out of bed and that’s usually where it all goes wrong.

I always start the day…

They say penis size is related to shoe size. That makes clowns much more scarier.

They say penis size…

Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.

Me blacking out…

I'm gonna say what I want until someone beats my ass. Then I'm gonna say what I want with a black eye.

I’m gonna say…

If your ass looks like 2 raccoons fighting in a sack of corn, say no to spandex.

If your ass looks like …

I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me.

I am the friend…

Of course I'm out of my mind. It's dark and scary in there.

Of course I’m out of my mind…