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Funny Quotes

The future is shaped by your dreams, so stop wasting time and go to sleep.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
My favorite sexual position is pretty much any of them. I’m just glad to be involved.
Swearing was invented as a compromise between running away and fighting. - Finley Peter Dunne
Once a girl takes off her bra, don’t ask her to do shit. She’s clocked out from life.
Stop trying to make everyone happy. You’re not tequila. - Emmy Rossum
I am not crazy. I prefer the term "Mentally hilarious".
Every day is Friday when you’re unemployed.
Drink coffee! Do stupid things faster and with more energy! - Darynda Jones
Never piss off someone who bleeds for 5 days every month and doesn’t die.
If it smells like bullshit and looks like bullshit, it’s bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Life hack: you can’t do anything wrong if you don’t do anything at all.
Orgasms are one of the healthiest forms of stress release. So if I tell you to go fuck yourself it’s because I care.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try ... - Homer Simpson
Husbands are the best people to share secrets with. They’ll never tell anyone, because they aren’t even listening.
LIVE TODAY LIKE IT IS YOUR LAST DAY! But pay your bills and use a condom just in case it isn’t.
I don’t mind being told what to do, as long as the person telling me doesn’t mind being told to fuck off.
Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have diarrhea.
I am an example to others. A bad example.