Funny Quotes

Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot revenge.

How to break up nicely: I think it’s time we take this relationship to the previous level.

People say “go big or go home”, as if going home were a bad thing. Hell yeah I wanna go home. And I’m gonna take a nap when I get there.

Some people age like wine. Others age as milk.

I do try to be a good person. But then someone pulls out in front of me doing the below the speed limit and I just have to try again tomorrow.

On the day I was born angels looked into my cozy little crib, gazed upon my cherubic face and declared ‘this one going to be trouble’.

Grow old with your best friends so you can race in wheelchairs and fight each other with canes.

Never make eye contact while eating a banana.

I was asked what I look for in a relationship… Apparently “a way out” wasn’t the right answer.

I will not keep calm. I will raise hell and break shit.