Funny Quotes

Why age gracefully when you can age like old cheese... full of character and slightly offensive.

Why age gracefully…

I think I was put on this earth to please a few, entertain some, and annoy the shit out of the rest.

I think I was put on this earth…

If you are asking me for advice I’ll assume you are out of all rational fucking options.

If you are asking me for advice…

Being an adult is just spending every day looking at a pill bottle wondering, “did I take it or not?!”

Being an adult…

Glad to see so many embracing therapy. A few of you need an exorcism as well but... baby steps.

Glad to see…

Look, someone’s gotta be the weirdest person in any given social group and it might as well be me.

Look, someone’s gotta be…

I am often mistaken for an adult because of my age.

I am often mistaken…

If you really can’t stand someone, let them 100$. Chances are you’ll never see them again.

If you really can’t stand…

You can be funny without being an asshole. I can’t... But you probably can.

You can be funny…

When you can be anything you want, an asshole seems an odd choice.

When you can be…