Funny Quotes

Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to "fall asleep right now".

Insomnia…

Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the fuck down.

Whenever I start feeling spontaneous…

When you say everything happens for a reason, don’t be surprised when I slap you in the face. It happened for a reason.

When you say…

There are no limits to what you can accomplish when you’re supposed to be doing something else.

There are no limits…

WARNING! I have restless leg syndrome and may not be able to stop myself from kicking your ass.

WARNING!…

Women will say they are too tired to have sex. But that won’t stop them from arguing with you all night.

Women will say…

I haven’t had any problem that I couldn’t make worse.

I haven’t had any problem…

Don’t be mad at lazy people. They don’t do anything.

Don’t be mad at lazy people…

One big difference between men and women is that if a woman says “smell this”, it usually smells nice.

One big difference…

Drink responsibly? Shit… Responsibility is why I drink.

Drink responsibly?…