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Funny Quotes

Therapy helps but screaming obscenities is faster and cheaper.

Therapy helps…

Confidence is knowing you’re making a giant mistake and doing it anyway.

Confidence is…

“Law of physics”. Tequila goes in. Truth goes out.

“Law of physics”…

Still a little pissed I can’t fly or set things on fire with my mind.

Still a little pissed…

I’m just temperamental. Half temper, half mental.

I’m just temperamental…

A simple hello could lead to a million things. Like butt touches.

A simple hello…

Some people get weird as they get older. Not me. I’ve always been like that.

Some people get weird…

You party until the morning. I party until I’m a felon. We’re not the same.

You party…

I can’t turn water into wine but I can turn vodka into bad decisions and total fucking mayhem.

I can’t turn water into wine…

Sure, I made mistakes when I was younger. But now that I’m older I’ve learned how to make different, often far more serious mistakes.

Sure, I made mistakes…