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Funny Quotes

Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.

Me blacking out…

I'm gonna say what I want until someone beats my ass. Then I'm gonna say what I want with a black eye.

I’m gonna say…

If your ass looks like 2 raccoons fighting in a sack of corn, say no to spandex.

If your ass looks like …

I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me.

I am the friend…

Of course I'm out of my mind. It's dark and scary in there.

Of course I’m out of my mind…

I have the right to remain silent but I completely lack the ability to do so.

I have the right…

I like to whisper romantic shit after sex like “hey... go home”.

I like to whisper…

You know you’re getting old when “friends with benefits” means having someone who can drive at night.

You know you’re getting old…

Being an adult is realizing 1,000 $ is little money to have but a lot to owe.

Being an adult…

Men, don’t judge women by pounds and you won’t be judged by inches.

Men, don’t judge women…