Funny Quotes, Thoughts, Sayings, Remarks

Some people confuse passion with crazy. Let me be clear, I am bat shit passionate.
Bitch: Any girl who is skinnier or prettier than you.
I pretend to like people everyday. It's called being an adult. That's why we're allowed to buy alcohol.
A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is a man who hopes they are.
Men, if you ever want to know what a woman's mind feels like, imagine a browser with 2576 tabs open. ALL THE TIME.
Opinions are like farts. Just because you have one inside you, doesn't mean you need to let it out.
It is so easy to be wise. Just think about something stupid to say then don't say it.
Be the reason someone smiles today. Or the reason they drink. Whatever works.
Never take advice from me. You'll only end up drunk.
I feel like water solves all problems. Want to lose weight? Drink water. Clear face? Drink water. Tired of a person? Drown them.
When I was young, I was scared of the dark. Now when I see my electric bill I am scared of the light.
If my body was a car I would trade it for a newer model. Cause every time I cough or sneeze, my radiator leeks and and my exhaust backfires.
I have no problem admitting when I'm wrong. Like that one time I got married.
A lot of us fell in love with someone we should of only fucked once then murdered.
If you keep following your dreams they're going to file a restraining order.
My dream job would be driving the karma bus.
I don't have an attitude problem, you have a problem with my attitude, and that's not my problem
I wish people came with a 30 second trailer. So I can see what I'm getting myself into.
If I had a dollar for every time I fake laughed at work I wouldn't even need a job anymore.
Whatever life throws at you, duck and let it hit someone else.