Funny

It’s better to shoot for the stars and miss than to aim at pile of shit and hit.
The stuff you heard about me is a lie, I'm way worse.
It's better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than open it and remove all doubt. - Mark Twain
Men only have 2 emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection make him a sandwich.
Never make the same mistake twice. There are so many new ones, try a different one each day.
I'm sorry... I didn't mean to push all your buttons. I was just looking for mute.
If you don't know my whole story keep your mouth shut. If you know my whole story, you're an accomplice. Keep your mouth shut.
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit. - W.C. Fields
Why do people with brains the size of peas have mouths the size of watermelons?
It's not a Sunday unless you completely waste it then feel really sad around 8pm.
I'm always on my best behavior. It just so happens that my best behavior is not very good.
It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it. - Sam Levenson
Don't you love it when just your presence pisses someone off?
Troubles are like dicks. Everybody thinks they got the biggest.
There's a fine line between saying too much and saying too little. I walk that line like a drunken clown at the circus.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew the wheel was turning but the hamster was dead?
Don't judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect.
Pre - annoyed: You knew this person is about to piss you off even before they say anything.
Is FUCKTASTROPHY a word? Because I feel it could be useful.
A baby can drink a bottle, fall asleep and people say its cute. If I do it, I'm an alcoholic.
It's never too late to get your shit together.
I am not fragile like a flower. I am fragile like a bomb.
A woman's anger is like a check engine light. There is no way to figure out why it came on. Just ignore it and hope it goes away.
Did you know that if you put you ear up to a stranger's leg you can hear them say: "What the fuck are you doing?"