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Sometimes, I shock myself with the smart stuff I say and do. Other times, I try to get out of the car with my seat belt on.

Sometimes, I shock myself with the smart stuff I say and do. Other times, I try to get out of the car with my seat belt on.

I tried to be normal once… worst two minutes of my life.

I tried to be normal once… worst two minutes of my life.

90% of being married is just shouting “WHAT” from other rooms.

90% of being married is just shouting “WHAT” from other rooms.

A fun thing to do in the morning is not talk to me.

A fun thing to do in the morning is not talk to me.

My moods don’t just swing - they bounce, pivot, recoil, rebound, oscillate, fluctuate and occasionally pirouette.

My moods don’t just swing – they bounce, pivot, recoil, rebound, oscillate, fluctuate and occasionally pirouette.

You know nothing about a woman until she’s drunk and mad at you.

You know nothing about a woman until she’s drunk and mad at you.

Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.

Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. — Steven Wright

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. — Steven Wright

When life gives you lemons, freeze them and throw them as hard as you can at the people making your life difficult.

When life gives you lemons, freeze them and throw them as hard as you can at the people making your life difficult.

Men who say women belong in the kitchen obviously don't know what to do with them in the bedroom.

Men who say women belong in the kitchen obviously don’t know what to do with them in the bedroom.