Funny Quotes

My brain says “let’s do something exciting today”. My body says “don’t listen to that fool”.

My brain says…

The longer I live, the more I am totally convinced other planets use this planet as an insane asylum.

The longer I live…

I talk an awful lot of smack for someone who tips over when putting on their underwear.

I talk an awful lot of smack…

Knowing my luck, I'll probably be reincarnated as me again.

Knowing my luck…

When I die, mix my ashes with glitter so I can continue annoying the fuck out of everybody.

When I die…

When I take a sick day, it’s because I'm sick of you people.

When I take a sick day…

Sometimes I get so weird, I even freak myself out.

Sometimes I get so weird…

Alcoholic!? No, my dear, I prefer the term “drinking enthusiast”.

Alcoholic!?…

No matter how stupid you feel remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn't figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother.

No matter how stupid…

I don’t always work but when I do, I make sure my boss is around.

I don’t always work…