Funny

“As fuck” is my favorite unit of measurement.
Don’t try to understand women. Women understand women and they hate each other.
Do not be so open-minded. your brains fall out. – G.K. Chesterton.
Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you only dress yourself. Moral of the story: in life no one helps you once you’re fucked.
Every family has one weird relative. If you don’t know who it is, then it’s probably you.
Always keep your chin up. Otherwise you are just looking at your own boobs all day.
Life is like a dick. Sometimes it's up... Sometimes it's down... But it won't be hard forever.
Whenever the brain and the heart fight, it's always the liver that suffers.
Before we work on artificial intelligence why don't we do something about natural stupidity? - Steve Polyak
Behind every man is a woman resisting the urge to choke him.
Making fun of someone you're angry with is childish. Be an adult and hit them with your car.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time. – Robin Williams
Being a dick won’t make yours any bigger.
Handle every stressful situation like a dog. If you can’t eat it or play with it, then pee on it and walk away.
Anything is possible with the right attitude, a sledge hammer and some duct tape.
BITCHCRAFT: The art of pissing people off while smiling sweetly.
Be careful when you blindly follow the masses. Sometimes the M is silent.
Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.
A FACT OF LIFE: After monday and tuesday, even the calendar says WTF
Always carry a little crazy with you. You never know when you’ll need it.
The best things in life either make you fat, drunk or pregnant.
A wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
52% of women fake orgasms. 100% of men don’t give a shit.
A quiet man is a thinking man. A quiet woman is usually mad.