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Funny Quotes

The only BS I need in my life is BEER and SEX.

The only BS I need in my life is BEER and SEX.

I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.

I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.

Before I have coffee, everyone is an asshole. After I have coffee, everyone is still an asshole, but I have coffee.

Before I have coffee, everyone is an asshole. After I have coffee, everyone is still an asshole, but I have coffee.

They say we learn from our mistakes. That is why I'm making as many as possible. I'll soon be a genius.

They say we learn from our mistakes. That is why I’m making as many as possible. I’ll soon be a genius.

Never pick a fight with a woman older than 40. They are full of rage and sick of everyone's shit.

Never pick a fight with a woman older than 40. They are full of rage and sick of everyone’s shit.

DEJA POO: The feeling that you've heard that crap before.

DEJA POO: The feeling that you’ve heard that crap before.

Dear middle finger, thank you for always sticking up for me. Love ya!

Dear middle finger, thank you for always sticking up for me. Love ya!

Therapy is nice... But screaming FUCK at the top of your lungs for 10 seconds is a lot faster and cheaper.

Therapy is nice… But screaming FUCK at the top of your lungs for 10 seconds is a lot faster and cheaper.

Women don’t fart. They do however shoot tiny puffs of glitter, that sound like a unicorn’s laughter and smell like rainbows.

Women don’t fart. They do however shoot tiny puffs of glitter, that sound like a unicorn’s laughter and smell like rainbows.

The hard part about being a bartender is figuring out who is drunk and who is just stupid. - Richard Braunstein

The hard part about being a bartender is figuring out who is drunk and who is just stupid. – Richard Braunstein