Funny Quotes

When killing them with kindness doesn’t work, try a hockey stick. Results may vary.

I am not responsible for what my face does when you talk.

Funny how drinking 8 cups of water a day seems like it’s impossible but 8 beers and 6 shots in 3 hours go down like a fat kid on see-saw…

Behind every angry woman stands a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.

Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes, that would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head, that will freak you right out.

Every guy thinks that every girl’s dream is to find the perfect guy. Wrong! Every girl’s dream is to eat without getting fat.

Don’t judge a person for drinking and swearing, judge the quiet sober ones. Those fuckers are up to something.

$Sex is like math. Add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray you don't multiply.$

Sex is like math. Add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray you don’t multiply.

I don’t understand why drunk me always seems to have more money than sober me.

Laughing is the best medicine. Unless you are laughing for no reason…Then you need medicine.