Funny Quotes

Tomorrow's a new day and another chance to fuck things up just a little bit differently.

Tomorrow’s a new day…

The path of inner peace begins with four words: NOT MY FUCKING PROBLEM

The path of inner peace…

REMEMBER no one is perfect. Everyone’s ass has a crack in it.

REMEMBER…

Sometimes the thoughts in my head get so bored they go out for a stroll through my mouth. This is rarely a good thing. – Scott Westerfeld

Sometimes the thoughts…

Learn a lesson from your dog. No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that shit and move on.

Learn a lesson…

There are two types of people who really irritate me: A drunk person when I’m sober and a sober person when I’m drunk.

There are two types…

I changed my horn to gunshot sounds. Now people move out of the way much faster.

I changed my horn…

The biggest step in any relationships isn’t the first kiss. It is the first fart.

The biggest step…

First rule of house cleaning while listening to power ballads: The toilet brush is never the microphone.

First rule…

There is a big difference between a QUIET woman and a SILENT woman. The first one is a miracle. The second one is a time bomb.

There is a big difference…