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Funny Quotes

Life is like diarrhea. No matter how hard you try and stop it, the shit just keeps coming.

Life is like diarrhea…

My doctor asked if any members of my family suffered from insanity… I said nope, we all seem to enjoy it.

My doctor asked…

I like to smile at people who don’t like me.

I like to smile…

If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.

If people are talking…

Procrastination is totally a good thing. You always have something to do tomorrow, plus you have nothing to do today.

Procrastination…

NEVER in the history of calming down has anyone calmed down by being told to calm down.

NEVER…

Sometimes I just don’t feel like getting out of bed… Then I remember I have people to piss off and prove wrong.

Sometimes…

Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose a shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.

Life is not a fairy tale…

If someone asks “Are You Crazy?” Simply reply “Yes”. Boom. End of discussion.

If someone asks…

Women fake orgasms to have relationships. Men fake relationships to have orgasms.

Women fake orgasms…