Home     Browse     Tags     Random

Funny Quotes

If you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary between shit and syphilis. - David Sedaris

If you’re looking…

If her bra matches her panties when you take off her clothes, it wasn't you who decided to have sex.

If her bra…

ME: I'm actually happy right now. LIFE: LOL one sec...

ME…

I am sorry, I didn't realize that you're an expert on my life and how I should live it. Please continue while I take notes.

I am sorry…

The ideal man doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't do drugs, doesn't swear, doesn't get angry, doesn't exist.

The ideal man…

Life is so much easier when you just don't give a shit.

Life is so much easier…

Don't talk to me about shit that happened when I was drunk. "Drunk me" and "Sober me" are not on speaking terms.

Don’t talk to me…

Just because I swear doesn't mean I don't have manners. I say "please" when I tell someone to fuck off.

Just because I swear…

Good judgment comes from experience. And experience? Well, that comes from poor judgment. - A. A. Milne

Good judgment…

It is only when a mosquito lands on your testicles that you realize there is always a way to solve problems without violence.

It is only when…