Funny Quotes

When I was young, I was scared of the dark. Now when I see my electric bill I am scared of the light.

When I was young…

If my body was a car I would trade it for a newer model. Cause every time I cough or sneeze, my radiator leeks and and my exhaust backfires.

If my body was a car…

My dream job would be driving the karma bus.

My dream job…

Whatever life throws at you, duck and let it hit someone else.

Whatever life throws at you…

How come when a woman is pregnant everyone rubs her stomach and says congratulations but no one rubs your balls and says good job?

How come…

Somewhere right now someone is thinking about an excuse not to go to work tomorrow.

Somewhere right now…

Have you ever looked at someone and just imagined holding their head under water? Oh, me neither.

Have you ever looked…

If you set impossible goals, you'll never be disappointed when you fail.

If you set impossible goals…

When you're a child you make funny faces at the mirror. In middle age, the mirror gets even.

When you’re a child…

Do you exercise? I run my mouth a lot.

“Do you exercise?”…