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Funny Quotes

My doctor told me to start killing people. Well not in those exact words. He said I had to reduce stress in my life. Same thing.

My doctor told me…

My smart mouth always gets me in trouble, and if it’s not my mouth, it’s my facial expression.

My smart mouth…

Some people are like old TVs. They need to be slapped a few times to get fucking picture.

Some people are like old TVs…

I can’t go around murdering people, so my hilarious put dows will have to do.

I can’t go around…

When killing them with kindness doesn’t work, try a hockey stick. Results may vary.

When killing them with kindness…

I am not responsible for what my face does when you talk.

I am not responsible…

Funny how drinking 8 cups of water a day seems like it’s impossible but 8 beers and 6 shots in 3 hours go down like a fat kid on see-saw…

Funny how…

Behind every angry woman stands a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.

Behind every angry woman…

Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes, that would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head, that will freak you right out.

Don’t bother…

Every guy thinks that every girl’s dream is to find the perfect guy. Wrong! Every girl’s dream is to eat without getting fat.

Every guy thinks…