Funny Quotes

Every bad thing that happens today is a direct result of choosing to get out of bed.

Every bad thing…

I would like to thank my middle finger for always sticking up for me when I need it.

I would like…

Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

Condoms…

If I wanted to listen to an asshole, I would fart.

If I wanted to listen…

I hate when people can’t let go of the past. Debt collectors are the worst.

I hate when people can’t…

First off sex on the first night is not hoeing. It’s an interview and if I call you the next day. You got the job.

First off sex…

Of course I speak my mind. My head would explode if I kept all this bitching to myself!

Of course I speak my mind…

Don’t give up on your dreams. Keep sleeping.

Don’t give up…

If you have an opinion about my life, please raise your hand. Now put it over your mouth.

If you have an opinion…

I’m not good at push ups, pull ups and sit ups. I’m pretty good at fuck ups though.

I’m not good at push ups…