Funny Quotes

If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’re pretty fun to be around.

If you don’t have anything nice…

Before you judge me try walking a mile in my shoes so you can see how little I care and how good it feels to be a mile away from you.

Before you judge me…

In alcohol’s defence I’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.

In alcohol’s defence…

Life is a lot like a penis. Simple, soft, straight, relaxed and hanging freely… then woman makes it hard.

Life is a lot like…

Some things are better left unsaid. Which I generally realize right after I have said them.

Some things are…

Ignorance can be educated and crazy can be medicated but there’s no cure for stupid.

Ignorance can be educated…

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. – Emo Philips

I asked God for a bike…

Maybe money doesn't buy happiness, but I'm accepting donations to test that theory.

Maybe money doesn’t buy happiness…

My doctor told me to start killing people. Well not in those exact words. He said I had to reduce stress in my life. Same thing.

My doctor told me…

My smart mouth always gets me in trouble, and if it’s not my mouth, it’s my facial expression.

My smart mouth…