I like the type of people whose sense of humor may be described as "inappropriate" with the chance of ruining family dinner.
More money is spent on boob jobs and viagra than on alzheimer's research. By 2040 the elderly will have perky tits, stiff cocks, and no fucking idea why!
A fuck must be earned. I can't go down the street with a bucket of fucks, giving them out to everyone. If I feel that you earned it, I will give a fuck.
Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain, and that's where shitty ideas come from.
The longer you stay single, the more they fuck your future wife.
Think old and you'll be old. Think young and you'll be a delusional old fart.
The biggest step in any relationships isn’t the first kiss. It is the first fart.
Fart when people hug you. It makes them feel strong.
Why do people say “grow some balls”? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding. – Betty White
If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.
Women fake orgasms to have relationships. Men fake relationships to have orgasms.
Girls always say they appreciate the little things in life, until you whip out your little penis.
Life is all about ass. You’re either covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, kissing it, busting it, trying to get a piece of it, behaving like one, or living with one.
Happiness comes from within. That’s why it feels good to fart.
Masturbation is the only thing that isn't taxed, regulated, or illegal. That's your "freedom". You're free to go fuck yourself.
Of course life is a bitch. If it was a slut it would be easy.
Life is a dick, sometimes it gets hard for no reason.
Men look at woman’s behind and go “wow! What an ass!” Woman look at man’s face and think the same.
How is a woman like a condom? Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
Before you speak, listen. Before you act, think. Before you give up try. Before you take a shit, make sure there is toilet paper.
Don’t make excuses for nasty people. You can’t put a flower in an asshole and call it a vase.
Complaining is mouth farting. And like any farting, I don’t mind hearing my own, but I don’t want to hear anyone else’s.
Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you only dress yourself. Moral of the story: in life no one helps you once you’re fucked.
Life is like a dick. Sometimes it's up... Sometimes it's down... But it won't be hard forever.
Life is like toilet paper, you’re either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.