Offensive

If I offended you, cry me a river. I’ll bring snacks and a raft. I will literally float down your tears eating chips and working on my tan.
Don’t tell me to calm down. I’ll throw a fucking desk at your face.
Some people are like tractors. They're good at spreading shit.
Ambitchious: Striving to be more of a bitch than the average bitch.
People like to say they are "Real", but they don't say real what. Real shady, real needy, a real piece of shit. Sorry, but I need you to be more specific.
And a "Fuck You" goes to every person who took advantage of my kindness.
The fact that the jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains gives hope to many people.
I’m not sure that we all have an inner child, but some definitely have an inner-idiot they have no control whatsoever over.
Wherever you go there is always going to be that one bitch you will feel the urge to punch in the face every time you see her.
My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.
Some people just need a high five. In the face. With a chair.
I would slap you, but shit splatters.
Bitch: Any girl who is skinnier or prettier than you.
Get a condom for your heart. I am about to fuck your feelings.
Fuck Off Pie: 1 cup of no one cares, a dash of kiss my ass, add some fuck you's, a pinch of blow me. Stare and shove it up your ass.
Never kick me when I'm down, because when I get back up... you're fucked.
TIP OF THE DAY: always make sure the phone is 100% hung up before you call someone an asshole.
If you hate yourself, remember that you are not alone. A lot of other people hate you too.
Ever look at someone and think, "Why has no one hit you with a shovel yet?"
Don't bother paying a therapist. I'll tell you what's wrong with you for free.
The world will be a better place if you kick an asshole in the face.
Throw lamps at people who need to lighten the fuck up.
Sometimes I enjoy when people stop being friends with me. It's like the garbage took itself out.
When karma comes back to punch you in the face, I wanna be there just in case it needs help.
When one door closes, sometimes you want to get a hammer and nails to make sure that bitch stays shut.