Rude Thoughts and Quotes

What doesn't kill you disappoints me.
Life has never given me lemons. It has given me anger issues, anxiety attacks, a love of alcohol and serious dislike for stupid people, but no lemons.
When karma comes back to punch you in the face, I wanna be there just in case it needs help.
Those who stir the shitpot should have to lick the spoon.
I am seriously the nicest and meanest person you will ever meet. Now fuck off and have a great day.
The key to happiness is to stop giving a fuck.
Successful adulting: Not stabbing someone when you really want to.
I don’t care if people talk shit about me. I was raised to flush shit down the toilet, not play with it.
When you are dead, you don't know that you're dead. All of the pain is felt by others. The same thing happens when you are stupid.
Once you let mother fuckers slide, they start to think they can iceskate.
When 3 people have sex, it's called threesome. When 2 people have sex, it's called twosome. Now I understand why they call you handsome.
THE INTERNET enabling morons worldwide to express their jackass opinions.
There's no need to repeat yourself. I ignored you just fine the time.
Shit I don't have time for: 1. Your shit, 2. Crazy shit, 3. Bullshit, 4. Stupid shit, 5. Fake shit, 6. Shit that has nothing to do with me.
Some people think they are champagne in a tall glass, when in actual fact they're lukewarm piss in a plastic cup
OK, I was wrong, I apologize, UNFUCK YOU.
When one door closes, sometimes you want to get a hammer and nails to make sure that bitch stays shut.
There is always room in your life to fuck more shit up. Always.
I like my big butt. It gives people I don't like plenty of places to kiss.
Boss: Good morning. Me: You need to calm the fuck down.