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Sarcastic Quotes

Sarcasm and orgasm…My two favorite “asms”.

Sarcasm and orgasm…

If you see your glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass and stop bitching.

If you see your glass as half empty…

I’ve found the key to happiness. Stay the hell away from assholes.

I’ve found the key to happiness…

Life would be easier if you could mark people as spam.

Life would be easier…

Maybe money doesn't buy happiness, but I'm accepting donations to test that theory.

Maybe money doesn’t buy happiness…

Arguing with idiots is like playing chess with a pigeon. No matter how good you are, the bird is going to shit on the board and strut around like it won anyway.

Arguing with idiots…

My doctor told me to start killing people. Well not in those exact words. He said I had to reduce stress in my life. Same thing.

My doctor told me…

Is “Fuck you” an emotion? Because I feel it all the time.

Is “Fuck you” an emotion?…

My smart mouth always gets me in trouble, and if it’s not my mouth, it’s my facial expression.

My smart mouth…

Some people are like old TVs. They need to be slapped a few times to get fucking picture.

Some people are like old TVs…