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Sarcastic Quotes

Ever just look at someone and think, this motherfucker is going to be the reason I go to jail?

Ever just look at someone…

Maturity is knowing what shit to cut and what fuck to give.

Maturity is knowing…

I wonder how many people think, “What the fuck?” after talking to me.

I wonder…

Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes, that would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head, that will freak you right out.

Don’t bother…

I suck at apologies, so…unfuck you or whatever.

I suck at apologies…

Every guy thinks that every girl’s dream is to find the perfect guy. Wrong! Every girl’s dream is to eat without getting fat.

Every guy thinks…

If it’s the thought that counts then I should probably be in jail.

If it’s the thought that counts…

Don’t judge a person for drinking and swearing, judge the quiet sober ones. Those fuckers are up to something.

Don’t judge,,,

Sex is like math. Add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray you don't multiply.

Sex is like math…

I don’t understand why drunk me always seems to have more money than sober me.

I don’t understand…