Sarcastic Quotes, Thoughts, Sayings, Remarks

I used to walk into a room full of people and wonder if they liked me. Now I look around and wonder If I like them.
Dear life, could you at least start using lubricant?
When someone says "everything happens for a reason" a fun thing to do is punch them in the face and say "this was meant to be".
No matter how low I lower the bar of expectations, some people manage to roll right under it.
Pisstified: The state of being equal parts of pissed off and mystified at the same time.
The fact that the jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains gives hope to many people.
GRAMMAR: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.
OH SHUT THE FUCK UP AND HAVE A DRINK. - Me as a therapist.
Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.
You know that thing inside your head that keeps you from saying stuff you probably shouldn't? Yeah, mine's broken
You know you're getting old when you can't walk past a bathroom without thinking "I might as well pee while I'm here".
Always trust your gut. Your brain can be fooled and your heart is an idiot, but your gut doesn't know how to lie.
Shitastrophy: word used for massive mess ups, fucked up situations, and epic fails.
Don't wait until you're on your deathbed to tell people how you really feel, because you can be too weak to raise your middle finger.
The turtle can breathe through it’s ass. Humans have not yet reached this stage of evolution, although many have learned to talk through it.
The problem with some people is that they're breathing.
There is a fine line between paying someone compliments and kissing someone's arse. Never cross it.
I hate it when people tell me that swearing isn't necessary. I am fucking vulgar not stupid and I know it isn't fucking necessary. But it is very fucking satisfying.
I’m not sure that we all have an inner child, but some definitely have an inner-idiot they have no control whatsoever over.
I don't think we do get smarter as we get older. I just think we run out of stupid things to do.