Sarcastic

I don’t have welcome mat at my door because I’m not a hypocrite.
Share
Nobody texts faster than a pissed off female.
Share
Every day at work I worry that I’m going to scream “Shut The Fuck Up” out loud instead of in my head.
Share
Are we having some drinks, or are we having some dranks? Need to dress accordingly.
Share
Free speech is nice but also shut the fuck up sometimes.
Share
For all the women that brag about how many men want them, just remember the cheapest prices attract the most customers.
Share
Have you ever noticed that the people who tell you to calm down are the ones that pissed you off in the first place?
Share
Don’t like me? Cool. I don’t wake up every day to impress you.
Share
Everyone complains about a lack of money, but none complain about a lack of brains. – Jewish proverb
Share
Do you ever feel the urge to tell someone to shut up even when they aren’t talking?
Share
Best friends are those who don’t say anything when you show up at their door with a dead body. They just grab a shovel and follow you.
Share
Don’t try to explain yourself to stupid people. You’re not the jackass whisperer.
Share
Every bad thing that happens today is a direct result of choosing to get out of bed.
Share
I would like to thank my middle finger for always sticking up for me when I need it.
Share
Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Share
If I wanted to listen to an asshole, I would fart.
Share
I hate when people can’t let go of the past. Debt collectors are the worst.
Share
People push you to your limits, but when you finally explode and fight back you are the mean one!
Share
First off sex on the first night is not hoeing. It’s an interview and if I call you the next day. You got the job.
Share
I’ve reached that age where my brain goes from “You probably shouldn’t say that” to “What the hell, let’s see what happens”.
Share