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Sarcastic

I don’t have welcome mat at my door because I’m not a hypocrite.

Nobody texts faster than a pissed off female.

Every day at work I worry that I’m going to scream “Shut The Fuck Up” out loud instead of in my head.

Are we having some drinks, or are we having some dranks? Need to dress accordingly.

Free speech is nice but also shut the fuck up sometimes.

For all the women that brag about how many men want them, just remember the cheapest prices attract the most customers.

Have you ever noticed that the people who tell you to calm down are the ones that pissed you off in the first place?

Don’t like me? Cool. I don’t wake up every day to impress you.

Everyone complains about a lack of money, but none complain about a lack of brains. – Jewish proverb

Do you ever feel the urge to tell someone to shut up even when they aren’t talking?

Best friends are those who don’t say anything when you show up at their door with a dead body. They just grab a shovel and follow you.

Don’t try to explain yourself to stupid people. You’re not the jackass whisperer.

Every bad thing that happens today is a direct result of choosing to get out of bed.

I would like to thank my middle finger for always sticking up for me when I need it.

Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

If I wanted to listen to an asshole, I would fart.

I hate when people can’t let go of the past. Debt collectors are the worst.

People push you to your limits, but when you finally explode and fight back you are the mean one!

First off sex on the first night is not hoeing. It’s an interview and if I call you the next day. You got the job.

I’ve reached that age where my brain goes from “You probably shouldn’t say that” to “What the hell, let’s see what happens”.

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