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Before marrying someone, listen long and hard to the sound of their chewing because that's the soundtrack to the rest of your life.

Before marrying someone…

How would I describe myself? Painfully average looking with a great sense of humor and just the right amount of crazy.

How would I describe myself…

My middle finger salutes you.

My middle finger…

If you don’t like the way I do things feel free to mind your own fucking business.

If you don’t like…

I am not an asshole. I am a teller of unfortunate truth.

I am not an asshole…

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. - Bryan White

We never really grow up…

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter. - Winston Churchill

I am ready…

We're all pretty bizarre. Some of us are just better at hiding it, that's all. - John Hughes

We’re all pretty bizarre…

Sometimes I wonder how I even made it this far. Then I remember I am an awesome motherfucker.

Sometimes I wonder…

Dirty mind. Caring friend. Potty mouth. Good heart. Smart ass. Kind of an asshole. Humble. Great in bed. Can drink like a fish. Will call you on your shit. I never said I was perfect.

Dirty mind…