Dirty, Inappropriate, Adult Jokes for People With a Rude Sense of Humor.
The husband leans over and asks his wife,
“Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.”
“Yes”, she says, “I remember it well.”
“OK”, he says, “How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?”
“Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!”
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I’ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in…
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I’ve got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, “Excuse me, but that was something else. You must’ve had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?”
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
“Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence.”
A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Karen.
Her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, this distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled.
They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
So one of the ladies approached Karen very discreetly about the problem, and told her to mash up some green astringent persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size.
But she warned Karen not to taste any of the green persimmons because they are so sour they would make her mouth pucker up, and she wouldn’t be able to talk properly for a while.
The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the priest climbed into the pulpit and said,
“Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday”.
A nurse asks a patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown before getting examined by the doctor.
“In front of you?” he asked shyly.
The nurse said, “Don’t worry, I’ve seen plenty of naked bodies before.”
The patient replied, “Not one like mine. You’d die laughing at my naked body.”
“Of course I won’t laugh,” said the nurse to the patient, “I’m a professional. In over twenty years, I’ve never laughed at a patient.”
“Okay then,” said the patient, slowly undressing. First he unbuttoned his shirt, took off his pants, and with a sigh pulled down his underwear.
In front of the nurse stood a huge naked male body with the smallest male organ that the nurse had ever seen in her life. It was almost identical to an AAA battery in length and width.
Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out.
When she realized that she was laughing, she felt very bad for laughing at the patient’s private parts, and composed herself as well as she could.
“I am so sorry,” the nurse said, “I don’t know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse, I promise that it won’t happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?”
“It’s swollen,” the patient replied.
The nurse ran out of the room.
A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport.
It was after midnight. While en-route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act.
For 100 dollars, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom.
The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.
The husband put a gun to the naked man’s head.
The wife shouted, “Don’t do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!”
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.
He looked over at the cab driver and said, “What would you do?”
The cabby said, “I’d cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a cold.”
I met an older woman at a bar last night.
She looked pretty good for a lady who must have been in her 60s. In fact, she wasn’t bad at all!
I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.
We drank a couple of beers and then she asked me if I’d ever had a “Sportsman’s Double?”
“What’s that?”, I asked.
“It’s a mother and daughter threesome”, she replied.
As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, “No, I haven’t”.
We drank a bit more and she said with a wink, “Tonight’s going to be your lucky night!”.
We went back to her place. I was nervous with anticipation of the fantastic night ahead, and an experience to always remember.
We walked in, she turned on the hall light and shouted upstairs,…
“Mom, you still awake?”