Dirty, Inappropriate, Adult Jokes for People With a Rude Sense of Humor.
A Man gets on a bus and sits next to a mother with child.
The mother is trying to get her fussy son to breastfeed, she finally gets frustrated and tells the baby, “You better take to the milk, or I’ll give it to this man sitting here…”
She tries a few more minutes, the baby is still just very fussy, she tells the baby again, “You need to start soon, or I’ll give your milk to this man sitting here…”
She continues to try to get her babe to start feeding and finally in a stern tone tells the babe, “This is the last warning, you need to stop being fussy, or I’ll give your milk to this man sitting here…”
The man finally gets exasperated and says, “Lady, you need to make up your mind, I was supposed to get off the bus three stops back!”
A married man went into the confessional and said to his priest, “I almost had an affair with another woman.”
The priest said, “What do you mean, almost?”
The man said, “Well, we got undressed, naked and rubbed together, but then I stopped.”
The priest said, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.”
The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, “I saw that, You didn’t put any money in the poor box!”
The man replied, “Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!”
Larry, an avid hunter from Mississippi, walked into the local bar one evening and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills.
Larry was undoubtedly a good shot, something all the locals knew.
However, on this evening, there was a hunter from out of state in the bar. He told Larry, “If you’re such a good hunter, why don’t you prove it?”
Larry swigged his beer and said, “You’re on! Put a blindfold on me and I will still be able to recognize any animal’s skin and tell you how it was killed. For every animal I get right, you buy me another beer. Deal?”
The other hunter thought that there was no way Larry could pull this off, so he agreed to the bet. A small crowd was gathering around them, all excited to see how this would turn out.
The bartender put a blindfold on Larry and made sure that it was secure, and then they walked him over to his first animal skin.
After feeling it for a few moments, he announced “Bear, shot with a .308 rifle.”
The bar patrons gasped – he was right. He was handed a glass of beer, which he downed straight away.
They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk.
He took a bit longer this time and then said, “Elk, shot with a 7mm mag rifle.”
He was right again.
Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks.
Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep.
The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner.
He said to his wife, “I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?”
His wife angrily replied, “I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced,
‘Skunk, killed with an axe.’”
Three nuns find naked construction worker in the shower.
A construction worker was working on site at a monastery, renovating a bathroom. As he was tightening some screws, a pipe burst, drenching him in sewage. He was given permission to use the monastery’s shower and changing room.
However, he was specifically instructed to be careful, since most of the nuns were very devoted in their faith and had never seen a man naked.
The construction worker was very dirty after the incident, so he took one bar of soap in each hand as he went into the shower. Just when he was about to turn on the shower, he heard three nuns walking into the changing room and starting to undress.
The man panicked, but had nowhere to go. Lacking a better option, he froze to the wall, stiff as a statue.
As the young nuns entered the shower, they were surprised by the lifelike statue.
“This statue must be new, it’s still muddy from the transport,” said one of the nuns.
“It looks so real! But what’s that?” asked one of the nuns and pointed at the construction worker’s groin.
“I don’t know,” said one of the nuns, who then walked up and pulled his penis.
The construction worker was so surprised that he dropped one of the bars of soap he was holding.
“Ah,” exclaimed one of the nuns, “It’s a soap dispenser!”
The second nun walked up to the “statue” and pulled its penis as well. The construction worker had no idea what to do, so he dropped the second soap.
The third nun wanted to try it as well. She pulled once but nothing happened.
So she tried pulling one, two, three, four, five times, and suddenly exclaimed, “Look! I got liquid soap!”
A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk.
A man came in and asked the farmer, “Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?”
The farmer shook his head and replied, “Some things you just can’t explain.”
“So what happened that’s so horrible?” the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
“Well,” the farmer said, “today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket.”
“Okay,” said the man, “but that’s not so bad.”
“Some things you just can’t explain,” the farmer replied.
“So what happened then?” the man asked.
The farmer said, “I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.”
“Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.”
The man laughed and said, “Again?”
The farmer replied, “Some things you just can’t explain.”
“So, what did you do then?” the man asked.
“I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.”
“Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.”
“Hmmm,” the man said and nodded his head.
“Some things you just can’t explain,” the farmer said.
“So, what did you do?” the man asked.
“Well,” the farmer said, “I didn’t have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in…
Some things you just can’t explain.”