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Funny Quotes

Blessed are the constipated for they don’t give a shit.

Blessed are the constipated for they don’t give a shit.

Friends are like boobs. Some are big, some are small. Some are real and some are fake.

Friends are like boobs. Some are big, some are small. Some are real and some are fake.

Every family has one weird relative. If you don’t know who it is, then it’s probably you.

Every family has one weird relative. If you don’t know who it is, then it’s probably you.

Always keep your chin up. Otherwise you are just looking at your own boobs all day.

Always keep your chin up. Otherwise you are just looking at your own boobs all day.

Life is like a dick. Sometimes it's up... Sometimes it's down... But it won't be hard forever.

Life is like a dick. Sometimes it’s up… Sometimes it’s down…But it won’t be hard forever.

Whenever the brain and the heart fight, it's always the liver that suffers.

Whenever the brain and the heart fight, it’s always the liver that suffers.

Before we work on artificial intelligence why don't we do something about natural stupidity? - Steve Polyak

Before we work on artificial intelligence why don’t we do something about natural stupidity? – Steve Polyak

Behind every man is a woman resisting the urge to choke him.

Behind every man is a woman resisting the urge to choke him.

Making fun of someone you're angry with is childish. Be an adult and hit them with your car.

Making fun of someone you’re angry with is childish. Be an adult and hit them with your car.

As I have grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time. – Robin Williams

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time. – Robin Williams

Handle every stressful situation like a dog. If you can’t eat it or play with it, then pee on it and walk away.

Handle every stressful situation like a dog. If you can’t eat it or play with it, then pee on it and walk away.

Anything is possible with the right attitude, a sledge hammer and some duct tape.

Anything is possible with the right attitude, a sledge hammer and some duct tape.

I love free speech. I also love ignore, mute and block.

I love free speech. I also love ignore, mute and block.

Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.

Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.

A FACT OF LIFE: After monday and tuesday, even the calendar says WTF

A FACT OF LIFE: After monday and tuesday, even the calendar says WTF

Always carry a little crazy with you. You never know when you’ll need it.

Always carry a little crazy with you. You never know when you’ll need it.

The best things in life either make you fat, drunk or pregnant.

The best things in life either make you fat, drunk or pregnant.

A wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and your house is gone.

A wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and your house is gone.

A quiet man is a thinking man. A quiet woman is usually mad.

A quiet man is a thinking man. A quiet woman is usually mad.