Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you only dress yourself. Moral of the story: in life no one helps you once you’re fucked.
Every family has one weird relative. If you don’t know who it is, then it’s probably you.
Always keep your chin up. Otherwise you are just looking at your own boobs all day.
Hold your head high and your middle finger higher. – Megan Fox
Life is like a dick. Sometimes it's up... Sometimes it's down... But it won't be hard forever.
Whenever the brain and the heart fight, it’s always the liver that suffers.
Before we work on artificial intelligence why don’t we do something about natural stupidity? – Steve Polyak
Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands.
Behind every man is a woman resisting the urge to choke him.
Making fun of someone you’re angry with is childish. Be an adult and hit them with your car.
As I have grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone is a piece of cake.
Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it becomes beautiful day.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time. – Robin Williams
Every time I say “Life can’t get more fucked up”. Life replies, “Challenge accepted”.
Being a dick won’t make yours any bigger.
Handle every stressful situation like a dog. If you can’t eat it or play with it, then pee on it and walk away.
Life is like toilet paper, you’re either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.
Stress is caused by giving a fuck.
Common sense is like deodorant, those who need it the most never use it.
Do what the fuck you want. Because in the end people are assholes and will judge you anyway.