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Go ahead and take risks – it gives the rest of us something to laugh at.
I am no longer following my heart. That bitch gives bad directions.
I go from 0 to fuck everybody real quick.
'You are what you eat.' The fuck??? When did I eat anxiety and back problems?
Imagine how cool it would be if we lost weight every time we farted.
Raise your hand if you have had quite enough unsolicited advice about what should be done with any lemons that life may or may not give you.
Sure being positive and nice to everyone all the time is great... But have you ever dropped a good “Fuck You” on someone you don’t like? That shit will help the sun rise.
BAR and BRA. Same letters, different words, but both keep men eagerly waiting till they open.
I clapped because it’s finished, not because I like it.
Yeah, it's pretty hard not to be completely cynical these days. - David Byrne
Not everyone gets the same version of me. One person might tell you I’m amazing beautiful soul. Another person will say I’m cold-hearted asshole. Believe them both, I act accordingly.
Act my age? What the fuck is that “act my age?” What do I care how old I am? The ocean is old as fuck. It will still drown your ass with vigor.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life. But so was yesterday, and look how that turned out.
I am busy right now, can I ignore you some other time?
Seeing people walk out of my life is really painful. I want them to run.
Life is what happens when you’re busy reading inspirational quotes.
Sarcasm it’s how I hug.
Sometimes I can’t tell if I’m in a bad mood or if everyone around me is really fucking annoying.
If the world didn’t suck we’d all fly into space.
Everything is bad and everyone is dumb.