You give my middle finger an erection.
Stress is caused by giving a fuck. Therefore, I wish I could exchange my heart for a liver, so I can drink more and care less.
Confidence is being able to say ‘Fuck you, I’m the shit’ without opening your mouth, say it with your walk, with your smile, say it with your entire being.
Fuck being nice to everyone. If someone treats you badly, you have every right not to tolerate bullshit.
Roses are dead, love is fake, weddings are basically funerals with cake.
I used to think I was overreacting. Now I realize it was just a normal reaction to an abnormal amount of bullshit.
Sometimes you just have to chuck it in the fuck it bucket and move on.
Please don't be rude to me because my rude will outrude your rude and I'll make you cry.
Girls have magic powers. They get wet without water, bleed without injury, and make boneless things hard.
Going to bed early, not leaving my house, not going to parties... My childhood punishments have become my adult goals.
You look like something I drew with my left hand.
You think I'm sarcastic? You should hear what I don't say.
Even if I had a pocket full of fucks I still wouldn't give you one.
MY SPECIAL TALENT? An unending series of snarky remarks.
Revenge is not in my plans. You'll fuck yourself on your own
If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money, I'd just laugh and search with them.
Sleep well middle finger, you've got a big day ahead of you tommorow.
The problem with opinions is that even idiots are allowed to have them.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter. - Winston Churchill
All men like to think they're marrying nymphomaniacs. The problem is, after a few years the nympho leaves and the maniac stays.
I would love to insult you, but I’m afraid I won’t do as well as nature did.
I admit that my level of weirdness is above the national average, but I'm comfortable with that.
“How do you sleep at night knowing people don’t like you?” With no underwear in case they want to kiss my ass.
My goal is to be that old person that everyone is afraid to take out in public.
I love sarcasm, it's like punching people in the face, but with words.