I suck at apologies, so…unfuck you or whatever.

I suck at apologies, so…unfuck you or whatever.

Every guy thinks that every girl’s dream is to find the perfect guy. Wrong! Every girl’s dream is to eat without getting fat.

Every guy thinks that every girl’s dream is to find the perfect guy. Wrong! Every girl’s dream is to eat without getting fat.

If it’s the thought that counts then I should probably be in jail.

If it’s the thought that counts then I should probably be in jail.

Don’t judge a person for drinking and swearing, judge the quiet sober ones. Those fuckers are up to something.

Don’t judge a person for drinking and swearing, judge the quiet sober ones. Those fuckers are up to something.

Sex is like math. Add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray you don't multiply.

Sex is like math. Add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray you don’t multiply.

I don’t understand why drunk me always seems to have more money than sober me.

I don’t understand why drunk me always seems to have more money than sober me.

Every day of my life forces me to add another name to the list of people who can kiss my fucking ass.

Every day of my life forces me to add another name to the list of people who can kiss my fucking ass.

Laughing is the best medicine. Unless you are laughing for no reason…Then you need medicine.

Laughing is the best medicine. Unless you are laughing for no reason…Then you need medicine.

KARMASUTRA: When life fucks you in all sorts of creative ways.

KARMASUTRA: When life fucks you in all sorts of creative ways.

Some people just need a hug…around the neck…with a rope.

Some people just need a hug… around the neck… with a rope.