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Mirrors don’t lie. And lucky for you they don’t laugh either.

Mirrors don’t lie. And lucky for you they don’t laugh either.

Listen, smile, agree. And then do whatever the fuck you were gonna do anyway. – Robert Downey Jr.

Listen, smile, agree. And then do whatever the fuck you were gonna do anyway. – Robert Downey Jr.

Before you judge someone, walk a mile in their shoes. After that who cares? They're mile away and you've got their shoes.

Before you judge someone, walk a mile in their shoes. After that who cares? They’re mile away and you’ve got their shoes.

How to be grown up at work: Replace "Fuck You" with "OK Great".

How to be grown up at work: Replace “Fuck You” with “OK Great”.

Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure you are not surrounded by assholes.

Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure you are not surrounded by assholes.

Don't be a magnet for fucktards and shitwits.

Don’t be a magnet for fucktards and shitwits.

Arguing with a woman is like getting arrested. Everything you say can and will be used against you.

Arguing with a woman is like getting arrested. Everything you say can and will be used against you.

Even duct tape can’t fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.

Even duct tape can’t fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.

Forgive and forget? I’m neither Jesus nor do I have an Alzheimer’s.

Forgive and forget? I’m neither Jesus nor do I have an Alzheimer’s.

I told myself that I should stop drinking. But I’m not about to listen to a drunk that talk to himself.

I told myself that I should stop drinking. But I’m not about to listen to a drunk that talk to himself.