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People who work in customer service should be allowed to fight one customer per day.

People who work in customer service should be allowed to fight one customer per day.

Three things to remember when you get older: never pass up a bathroom, never waste a hard-on, and never trust a fart.

Three things to remember when you get older: never pass up a bathroom, never waste a hard-on, and never trust a fart.

Don’t drink to forget me, you’ll end up seeing me double.

Don’t drink to forget me, you’ll end up seeing me double.

You couldn’t handle me even if I came with instructions.

You couldn’t handle me even if I came with instructions.

"What’s your dream job?" "Well, in my dreams I don't work."

“What’s your dream job?” “Well, in my dreams I don’t work.”

Nobody can stop me but only because I haven’t started yet.

Nobody can stop me but only because I haven’t started yet.

Eggs are eggs, but some are rotten; and so hopes are hopes, but many of them are delusions.

Eggs are eggs, but some are rotten; and so hopes are hopes, but many of them are delusions.

Better discourage a man’s climbing than help him to break his neck.

Better discourage a man’s climbing than help him to break his neck.

Fool me once, fuck you. I keep it simple.

Fool me once, fuck you. I keep it simple.

How many times does one need to say “Excuse me” before “Holly shit, get out of the fucking way” becomes acceptable?

How many times does one need to say “Excuse me” before “Holly shit, get out of the fucking way” becomes acceptable?