The world is not full of assholes, but they are strategically placed so that you'll come across one every day. Every Fucking Day.

The world is not full of assholes…

The longer you stay single, the more they fuck your future wife.

The longer you stay single…

You know what is cheaper than therapy? Admitting you're batshit crazy and running with it.

You know what is cheaper…

I’m not put on this earth to please your sorry ass.

I’m not put on this earth…

I tried to be good... Turns out I get bored easily.

I tried to be good…

The reson I sin? There's a stairway to heaven and a highway to hell and I sure as shit ain't climbing the fucking stairs.

The reson I sin?…

ASKHOLE: A person who constantly asks for advice then does the opposite of what you told them.

ASKHOLE…

I have an angel on one shoulder, and a devil on the other. I'm also deaf in one ear.

I have an angel…

I always say "Morning" instead of "Good Morning" because if it was a good morning I would still be in my bed and not talking to people.

I always say “Morning”…

Life is about kicking ass, not kissing it.

Life is about…