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Just because I’m smiling doesn’t mean I don’t want to hit you in the face.

Just because I’m smiling…

I have a pretty big ass, so when I half ass something you’re still getting something impressive.

I have a pretty big ass…

Life isn’t like a box of chocolates. It’s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow. – Larry the Cable Guy

Life…

The human body has 7 trillion nerves and some people manage to get on every single fucking one of them.

The human body…

I am who I am. Your approval is not needed.

I am who I am…

We’re all being judged by someone who isn’t even close to having their own shit together.

We’re all being judged…

Have you ever been too nice and ended up in a situation that could’ve been avoided if you just would’ve been an asshole?

Have you ever been…

One of the best things about getting older: Knowing someone is an asshole before they even speak.

One of the best things…

One kind word can change someone’s entire day. But a really mean couple of words can ruin someone’s entire month. Way more productive.

One kind word…

Sometimes even the devil on my shoulder asks “What the fuck are you doing?”

Sometimes…