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Whatever life throws at you, duck and let it hit someone else.

Whatever life throws at you…

I'm so glad I grew up in the '80s and '90s. I did so much stupid shit - and there is no record of it anywhere.

I’m so glad…

How come when a woman is pregnant everyone rubs her stomach and says congratulations but no one rubs your balls and says good job?

How come…

Somewhere right now someone is thinking about an excuse not to go to work tomorrow.

Somewhere right now…

TIP OF THE DAY: always make sure the phone is 100% hung up before you call someone an asshole.

TIP OF THE DAY…

Have you ever looked at someone and just imagined holding their head under water? Oh, me neither.

Have you ever looked…

Whoever said money can't buy happiness never paid for a divorce before.

Whoever said…

If you set impossible goals, you'll never be disappointed when you fail.

If you set impossible goals…

When you're a child you make funny faces at the mirror. In middle age, the mirror gets even.

When you’re a child…

At this point in my life I am positive some people were put on this earth to test my alcohol tolerance level.

At this point in my life…