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I'm trying to be a more positive person every day. Today, I'm positive everyone is an asshole.

I’m trying to be…

Smoking a cigarette reduces life by 5 min. Laughing increases life by 10 min. A laughing smoker never dies.

Smoking…

I’m at the age where fuck you, fuck off, and fuck that answer almost every question I’m asked.

I’m at the age…

If you dream big enough, anything can come true. Just kidding. Get back to work.

If you dream big…

Some people need a shock collar and I need the remote.

Some people need…

Just because I’m smiling doesn’t mean I don’t want to hit you in the face.

Just because I’m smiling…

I have a pretty big ass, so when I half ass something you’re still getting something impressive.

I have a pretty big ass…

Life isn’t like a box of chocolates. It’s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow. – Larry the Cable Guy

Life…

The human body has 7 trillion nerves and some people manage to get on every single fucking one of them.

The human body…

I am who I am. Your approval is not needed.

I am who I am…