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If I actually “spoke my mind” I’d be in deep shit.

If I actually “spoke my mind”…

Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to. Unless you’re in prison.

Surprise sex…

Sometimes I have to tell myself it’s just not worth the jail time.

Sometimes I have to tell myself…

Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app they will start using it?

Maybe if we tell people…

I’m not a proctologist but I know an asshole when I see one.

I’m not a proctologist…

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak. – Alan Dundes

Light travels faster…

I would rather be known in life as an Honest Sinner, than a Lying Hypocrite.

I would rather be known…

Some things are better left unsaid. Which I generally realize right after I have said them.

Some things are…

My entire life can be summed up in one sentence: “Well, that didn’t go as planned” – Darynda Jones

My entire life…

If someone hates…