Anything you can do, I can do better. Unless it’s being a piece of shit. Then you win.

Anything you can do…

If you really can’t stand someone, let them 100$. Chances are you’ll never see them again.

If you really can’t stand…

Your ability to recognize bullshit will play a large role in your success.

Your ability…

Guess what happens after you’re offended. Nothing! That’s it! Now be an adult and move on.

Guess what happens…

You can be funny without being an asshole. I can’t... But you probably can.

You can be funny…

When you can be anything you want, an asshole seems an odd choice.

When you can be…

Whenever I tell someone where I live and they say, “OMG that’s so far” I’m like calm down I’m not inviting you.

Whenever I tell someone…

I tried to follow my dreams. But now I have multiple restraining orders.

I tried…

I’m not really a people person. So if I like you, you should consider yourself fucking lucky.

I’m not really a people person…

I’m still waiting patiently for the wisdom that supposedly comes with old age. Anyone else?

I’m still waiting…