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Being an adult is mostly realising you didn’t look as bad as you thought you did a few years ago because now you look worse.

Being an adult…

You don’t have to be everyone’s cup of tea. Be gasoline. Set shit on fire.

You don’t have to be…

Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor's house that no one likes.

Nothing brings neighbors…

Getting old sucks. I used to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I feel more like a bounced check.

Getting old sucks…

I hate getting mad. It takes me like two and a half years to calm down.

I hate getting mad…

I swear I have all my shit together. I just forgot where I fucking put it.

I swear…

When a woman says “correct me if I’m wrong”, do not under any, I mean any circumstances do it.

When a woman says…

Be all in, or get the hell out. Life is too short for being half-assed.

Be all in…

I'm not quite fucking sure if life is passing me by or trying to run me over.

I’m not quite fucking sure…

Don’t ever put me in a situation where I have to step out of character because I’ll show you some colors you did’t know came in the crayon box.

Don’t ever put me…