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If you have an opinion about my life, please raise your hand. Now put it over your mouth.

If you have an opinion…

Bitch please, your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

Bitch please…

I’m not good at push ups, pull ups and sit ups. I’m pretty good at fuck ups though.

I’m not good at push ups…

Do you ever meet someone for the first time and want to buy them a toaster for their bathtub?

Do you ever meet someone…

Before you judge me, you better make sure you're fucking perfect.

Before you judge me…

“Be yourself” is about the worst advice you can give to some people. – Thomas L. Masson

“Be yourself”…

I don’t owe anyone any explanations for why I do the shit I do.

I don’t owe…

I wish more people were fluent in silence.

I wish…

Happiness comes from within. That’s why it feels good to fart.

Happiness…

Sometimes I wish I were a nicer person but then I laugh and continue my day.

Sometimes I wish…