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I'm not sure how you have your foot in your mouth, head in your ass, and nose in my business. Yet here we are you fucking wizard.

I’m not sure how…

If your ass looks like 2 raccoons fighting in a sack of corn, say no to spandex.

If your ass looks like …

I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me.

I am the friend…

Of course I'm out of my mind. It's dark and scary in there.

Of course I’m out of my mind…

I have the right to remain silent but I completely lack the ability to do so.

I have the right…

I like to whisper romantic shit after sex like “hey... go home”.

I like to whisper…

You know you’re getting old when “friends with benefits” means having someone who can drive at night.

You know you’re getting old…

I lose track of how many times per day I want to turn and say, “you can't seriously be that fucking stupid”.

I lose track…

Being an adult is realizing 1,000 $ is little money to have but a lot to owe.

Being an adult…

Men, don’t judge women by pounds and you won’t be judged by inches.

Men, don’t judge women…