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If I ask you how you’re doing, please just say “good” and move on. Don’t start telling me shit.

If I ask you…

Don't ask me stupid questions. I carry sarcasm like car keys.

Don’t ask me…

Your ex asking to stay friends after you break up is like kidnappers asking to stay in touch after they let you go.

Your ex asking…

My boss appointed me as his sexual adviser. He said “When I want your fucking advice I’ll ask for it”

My boss appointed me…

When a woman asks you to guess her age, it's like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb.

When a woman asks…

I hate when people ask me what I did yesterday. I don't know. I breathed a lot. Probably got mad at something... Sighed heavily. The list goes on.

I hate when people ask me…

This is not a bakery. I don’t sugar coat anything. If you ask for my opinion then that’s what you'll get. Don't be mad when it’s not what you want to hear.

This is not a bakery…

My doctor asked me if I ever had a stress test. “Yes” I replied. It’s called life.

My doctor asked…

Some ask “Why”, some “Why Not”. I usually ask “What The Hell?”.

Some ask “Why”…

I never have to ask "Is it something I said?" It's something I said.

I never have to ask…