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Day

If you’re having bad day, that’s fine. It’s your day, not mine.

If you’re having bad day…

Sometimes I like to tell people, “I hope the rest of your day is as pleasant as you are”. And then watch their face as they try to determine if it was a compliment or not.

Sometimes I like to tell…

You can’t have a bad day at work if you don’t go.

You can’t have a bad day…

Whoever came up with the phrase “The freaks come out at night” has clearly never been to Walmart during the day.

Whoever came up…

You can say “have a good day” with no problem. But if you say “I hope you enjoy the next 24 hours”, it sounds vaguely threatening.

You can say…

One day I will start behaving myself. One day...

One day…

I don’t need an inspirational quote to start the day. Just give me coffee and shut the fuck up.

I don’t need…

When I take a sick day, it’s because I'm sick of you people.

When I take a sick day…

I don’t really have a plan. I rely solely on caffeine and weirdness to get me through the day.

I don’t really have a plan…

It takes me 5-7 business years to get over things so don't piss me off.

It takes me 5-7…