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Day

I’m not moody. I just have days when I’m less likely to put up with your shit.

I’m not moody…

The best part of the day is taking your pants off, knowing you don’t have to put them back on until tomorrow.

The best part of the day…

Back in my day the only time we started panic buying was when the bartender shouted “Last Call”.

Back in my day…

Saying “Have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly. But saying “Enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.

Saying “Have a nice day”…

Life is like a toilet. There’s always an asshole trying to shit on your day.

Life is like a toilet…

I always start the day with good intentions. Then I get out of bed and that’s usually where it all goes wrong.

I always start the day…

When I say “have a nice day”, remember that the “fucker” is silent.

When I say “have a nice day”…

You know it's been good day when I didn't have to unleash flying monkeys.

You know it’s been good day…

Two things to make your day better: Don’t watch the news, 2. Stay off the bathroom scale.

Two things to make your day better…

Have you ever had those days when you are holding a stick and everybody looks like a pinata?

Have you ever had…