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A baby can drink a bottle, fall asleep and people say its cute. If I do it, I'm an alcoholic.

A baby can drink a bottle, fall asleep and people say its cute. If I do it, I’m an alcoholic.

When I drink alcohol, everyone says I'm an alcoholic. But when I drink fanta, no one says I'm fantastic.

When I drink alcohol, everyone says I’m an alcoholic. But when I drink fanta, no one says I’m fantastic.

OH SHUT THE FUCK UP AND HAVE A DRINK. - Me as a therapist.

OH SHUT THE FUCK UP AND HAVE A DRINK. – Me as a therapist.

Be the reason someone smiles today. Or the reason they drink. Whatever works.

Be the reason someone smiles today. Or the reason they drink. Whatever works.

There are two types of people in this world: People you want to drink with and people who make you want to drink.

There are two types of people in this world: People you want to drink with and people who make you want to drink.

The key to getting along with people is to either lower your expectations or learn to drink.

The key to getting along with people is to either lower your expectations or learn to drink.

IF DRINKS COULD TALK: Coffee - You can do this! Wine - You don't have to do this! Tequila - Holy shit! Did you really just do that?!!!

IF DRINKS COULD TALK: Coffee – You can do this! Wine – You don’t have to do this! Tequila – Holy shit! Did you really just do that?!!!

I don't always walk the walk, or even talk the talk. But if you want someone who can drink the drink, I'm totally there for you.

I don’t always walk the walk, or even talk the talk. But if you want someone who can drink the drink, I’m totally there for you.

The ideal man doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't do drugs, doesn't swear, doesn't get angry, doesn't exist.

The ideal man doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink, doesn’t do drugs, doesn’t swear, doesn’t get angry, doesn’t exist.

Every damn day I ask the same three questions. What the fuck is wrong with people? What the fuck was I thinking? Where the fuck is my drink?

Every damn day I ask the same three questions: What the fuck is wrong with people? What the fuck was I thinking? Where the fuck is my drink?