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Friend

We all have that one smart ass friend. Oh whait, that’s me!

We all have…

“Nice, but kind of fucked up.” This is how my friends describing me.

“Nice, but…

Saying “Have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly. But saying “Enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.

Saying “Have a nice day”…

I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me.

I am the friend…

You know you’re getting old when “friends with benefits” means having someone who can drive at night.

You know you’re getting old…

Lucky for me, I don’t have enough friends for an intervention.

Lucky for me…

I'm not really your friend until I start insulting you on a daily basis.

I’m not really your friend…

To my friends: Shine on you crazy, perverted, alcoholic weirdos. Y'all are my people.

To my friends…

Having a girl as a friend is like having a chicken as a pet. Sooner or later you're going to want to eat her.

Having a girl as a friend…

Grow old with your best friends so you can race in wheelchairs and fight each other with canes.

Grow old with…