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I hate my job but it pays for my alcohol and I need alcohol, because I hate my job.

I hate my job…

I want that job where they push scared skydivers out of planes.

I want that job…

If you think life is too short, get a shitty job

If you think life is too short…

If I could turn snarky sarcasm into a paying job, I would be employed for eternity.

If I could turn snarky sarcasm…

Your job as a woman is to observe when your man is happy and immediately put a stop to that nonsense.

Your job as a woman…

Sometimes doing a good job at work is like wetting your pants in a dark suit – you get a warm feeling, but nobody else notices.

Sometimes doing a good job…

Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents’ job.

Don’t be ashamed…

"What’s your dream job?" "Well, in my dreams I don't work."

“What’s your dream job?”…

Sorry, it's not my job to blow sunshine up your ass.

Sorry, it’s not my job…

ALWAYS BE YOURSELF. (except during job interviews, the first few month of a relationship, or any type of social interaction)

ALWAYS BE YOURSELF…