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Life

My goal in life is to piss off at least one person a day. So far I’m about 12 years ahead of schedule.

My goal in life…

I know sometime life just sucks. Things don’t work out the way you planned, because there is no instruction manual. But even if there was, life would suck even more, because it would be pretty damn boring.

I know sometime life just sucks…

Marriage is finding that special someone you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Marriage is…

I’m just WTF-ING my way through life.

I’m just WTF-ING…

Being alone in the toilet is the reminder that you will always be alone when shit happens in your life. Be strong.

Being alone…

Before marrying someone, listen long and hard to the sound of their chewing because that's the soundtrack to the rest of your life.

Before marrying someone…

My life would be so much easier if I wasn't intelligent enough to realize how fucking stupid some people are.

My life would be…

It isn’t the ups and downs that make life difficult; it’s the jerks. - Charlie Chaplin

It isn’t the ups and downs…

I fucking love straight forward people. No bullshit makes life so much easier.

I fucking love straight…

Life is an endless series of trainwrecks with only brief, commercial-like breaks of happiness.

Life is…