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There are two types of people who really irritate me: A drunk person when I’m sober and a sober person when I’m drunk.

There are two types of people who really irritate me: A drunk person when I’m sober and a sober person when I’m drunk.

I'm trying to be a more positive person every day. Today, I'm positive everyone is an asshole.

I’m trying to be a more positive person every day. Today, I’m positive everyone is an asshole.

I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in a body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.

I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in a body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.

I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow doesn’t look good either.

I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow doesn’t look good either.

Don’t think of yourself as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey.

Don’t think of yourself as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey.

Sometimes I wish I were a nicer person but then I laugh and continue my day.

Sometimes I wish I were a nicer person but then I laugh and continue my day.

BOSSHOLE: A person who turns into an asshole ten seconds after being made supervisor.

BOSSHOLE: A person who turns into an asshole ten seconds after being made supervisor.

You can be a good person with a beautiful spirit and still be able to tell someone to go fuck themselves when needed.

You can be a good person with a beautiful spirit and still be able to tell someone to go fuck themselves when needed.

Fuck every single person that took advantage of your kindness and mistook it for weakness.

Fuck every single person that took advantage of your kindness and mistook it for weakness.

Don’t judge a person for drinking and swearing, judge the quiet sober ones. Those fuckers are up to something.

Don’t judge a person for drinking and swearing, judge the quiet sober ones. Those fuckers are up to something.