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I may not be the prettiest or the smartest, but I will tell you one thing - I’m not the nicest either. Fuck off.

I may not be the prettiest…

Sometimes I like to tell people, “I hope the rest of your day is as pleasant as you are”. And then watch their face as they try to determine if it was a compliment or not.

Sometimes I like to tell…

I might be mean, but I have a good heart. When I tell someone to go to hell, I still hope they get there safely.

I might be mean…

One day you are going to look back and wish you had told more people to go fuck themselves.

One day…

Whenever I tell someone where I live and they say, “OMG that’s so far” I’m like calm down I’m not inviting you.

Whenever I tell someone…

I’d tell you to go fuck yourself, but I'm pretty sure you'd be disappointed.

I’d tell you to go fuck yourself…

Don’t tell me to make myself at home then act surprised when I take off my pants and drink all your vodka.

Don’t tell me…

I hate when people assume shit. Just ask me and I’ll fucking tell you.

I hate when people assume shit…

I’ll tell you what we don't have a shortage of. Dumbasses.

I’ll tell you…

When someone is murdered, the police investigate the spouse first. And that tells you everything you need to know about marriage.

When someone is murdered…