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Sarcastic Quotes

Everybody sucks at something.

Everybody sucks at something.

If you’re offended by the things I say, imagine the stuff I hold back.

If you’re offended by the things I say, imagine the stuff I hold back.

Gut feelings are guardian angels.

Gut feelings are guardian angels.

The only thing I will force in my life is my jeans over my ass. Not friends, not relationships.

The only thing I will force in my life is my jeans over my ass. Not friends, not relationships.

If you look close enough, that high horse people like to ride on is actually a donkey.

If you look close enough, that high horse people like to ride on is actually a donkey.

If you are arguing with me and I say “WOW” abort mission and run for your life.

If you are arguing with me and I say “WOW” abort mission and run for your life.

Not everything happens for a reason. Sometimes life just sucks. - Alexa Chung

Not everything happens for a reason. Sometimes life just sucks. – Alexa Chung

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans. – Woody Allen

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans. – Woody Allen

Due to recent cutbacks, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

Due to recent cutbacks, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

There are two types of people in the world and I hate both of them.

There are two types of people in the world and I hate both of them.

If fucking up is power, I should be the Hulk by now. - Richard Kadrey

If fucking up is power, I should be the Hulk by now. – Richard Kadrey

God give us only what we can handle. Apparently God thinks I’m a badass.

God give us only what we can handle. Apparently God thinks I’m a badass.

You are either on my side, by my side, or in my fucking way. Choose wisely.

You are either on my side, by my side, or in my fucking way. Choose wisely.

Maybe money can’t buy happiness, but I think it’s only fair to give me some and let me learn that lesson myself.

Maybe money can’t buy happiness, but I think it’s only fair to give me some and let me learn that lesson myself.

I’m not the type to tiptoe through the tulips. I would rather bulldoze through the bullshit.

I’m not the type to tiptoe through the tulips. I would rather bulldoze through the bullshit.

Killing someone with kindness sounds like a lot of work to me.

Killing someone with kindness sounds like a lot of work to me.

You can be stupid or you can be loud. Please don’t be both.

You can be stupid or you can be loud. Please don’t be both.

I don’t always do the wrong thing, but when I do, it’s the wrongiest of all the wrongs that ever wronged.

I don’t always do the wrong thing, but when I do, it’s the wrongiest of all the wrongs that ever wronged.

I’m tired of getting fucked in ways that don’t end in an orgasm.

I’m tired of getting fucked in ways that don’t end in an orgasm.

I love listening to lies when I know the truth.

I love listening to lies when I know the truth.