Asshole

When someone calls me an “asshole” I get this warm feeling inside because my work here is done.

When someone calls me an “asshole” I get this warm feeling inside because my work here is done.

Not everyone gets the same version of me. One person might tell you I’m amazing beautiful soul. Another person will say I’m cold-hearted asshole. Believe them both, I act accordingly.

Not everyone gets the same version of me. One person might tell you I’m amazing beautiful soul. Another person will say I’m cold-hearted asshole. Believe them both, I act accordingly.

Ignoranus: Someone who is both stupid and an asshole.

Ignoranus: Someone who is both stupid and an asshole.

I hate when I’m starting to become a good person and someone comes and pushes my asshole-mode buttons.

I hate when I’m starting to become a good person and someone comes and pushes my asshole-mode buttons.

Half of me is a hopeless romantic and the other... well the other is an asshole.

Half of me is a hopeless romantic and the other… well the other is an asshole.

Forgiving you means I no longer dwell on what an asshole you are. It doesn’t mean you are no longer an asshole.

Forgiving you means I no longer dwell on what an asshole you are. It doesn’t mean you are no longer an asshole.

Be the best version of you, unless you’re an asshole. Don’t be a better asshole.

Be the best version of you, unless you’re an asshole. Don’t be a better asshole.

I’d rather be an honest asshole than a well liked liar.

I’d rather be an honest asshole than a well liked liar.

Assholes are part of our lives. We can't escape. It is how we deal with them that makes the difference. - Wendy Sellers

Assholes are part of our lives. We can’t escape. It is how we deal with them that makes the difference. – Wendy Sellers

I wasn’t always this sarcastic. It took me many years of dealing with assholes to become this good at it.

I wasn’t always this sarcastic. It took me many years of dealing with assholes to become this good at it.

Most people are assholes. Don't believe me? Next time you see a group of people, yell out "Hey, Asshole". They'll turn and look.

Most people are assholes. Don’t believe me? Next time you see a group of people, yell out “Hey, Asshole”. They’ll turn and look.

I didn't turn into an asshole overnight. It took years of people letting me down, pissing me off and dealing with idiots to get this good at it.

I didn’t turn into an asshole overnight. It took years of people letting me down, pissing me off and dealing with idiots to get this good at it.

I am a nice person. Just don't push the asshole button.

I am a nice person. Just don’t push the asshole button.

Trusting people has made me the asshole I am today.

Trusting people has made me the asshole I am today.

If they were really trying to prepare high school kids for "Real Life", they'd offer a class called "Working with assholes".

If they were really trying to prepare high school kids for “Real Life”, they’d offer a class called “Working with assholes”.

I am not an asshole. I am a hemorrhoid. I irritate assholes.

I am not an asshole. I am a hemorrhoid. I irritate assholes.

Being an asshole is easy. Being a bitch takes style.

Being an asshole is easy. Being a bitch takes style.

I hate when people say "nice to meet you" before I've even said anything. How do you know it's nice to meet me? I'm an asshole.

I hate when people say “nice to meet you” before I’ve even said anything. How do you know it’s nice to meet me? I’m an asshole.

TIP OF THE DAY: always make sure the phone is 100% hung up before you call someone an asshole.

TIP OF THE DAY: always make sure the phone is 100% hung up before you call someone an asshole.

"The customer is always right..." Fuck that! Sometimes the customer is just an asshole.

“The customer is always right…” Fuck that! Sometimes the customer is just an asshole.