Dirty, Inappropriate, Adult Jokes for People With a Rude Sense of Humor.
A little boy asks his dad to explain politics.
His dad says, “Well son, let me explain it this way. I’m the breadwinner of this family, so let’s call me Capitalism.”
“Your mom is the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her Government.”
“We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you The People.”
“The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class, and your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future.”
The little boy goes to bed, thinking about what his dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled himself, so he goes to his parent’s room and finds his mother fast asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he heads to the nanny’s room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his dad and the nanny in bed together.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, he tells his dad, “I think I understand politics now.”
“Great!” his dad says. “Why don’t you tell me in your own words, what you think politics are all about?”
The little boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is fast asleep, the People are being ignored, and the Future is in deep shit.”
A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him,
“Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing.”
“What do they say?” the priest inquired.
“They say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?’” the woman said embarrassingly.
“That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed, “I can see why you are embarrassed.”
He thought a minute and then said, “You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I’m sure your parrots will stop saying that awful phrase in no time.”
“Thank you,” the lady responded, “This may very well be the solution.”
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s house.
As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?”
There was a stunned silence.
Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said,
“Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!”
A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
“What’s up?” he says.
“I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialling, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!”
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.
Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
“You rotten bastard,” says the husband, “My wife’s having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!”
An elderly husband and wife go to the Doctor.
After the elderly man’s examination, the doctor said, ‘You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?’
‘In fact, I do.’ said the old man. “After I have sex with the wife, I am usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty.”
The doctor could not find any explanation for this.
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: ‘Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?’
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her: ‘Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?’
“Oh, that silly bugger”, she replied. “That’s because…
The first time is usually in December, and The second time is in June.”
A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex.”
“Oh I see,” replied the boy pensively. “Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.”
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, “Why are there 3 in this package?”
The dad replies, “Those are for high school boys, one For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.”
“Cool” says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, “Then who are these for?”
“Those are for college men,” the dad answers, “two For Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.”
“WOW!” exclaimed the boy, “Then who uses THESE?” he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies,
“Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March…”