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You know you are drunk when you put your food in the microwave and enter your pin number.

You know you are drunk when you put your food in the microwave and enter your pin number.

If you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary between shit and syphilis. - David Sedaris

If you’re looking for sympathy, you’ll find it in the dictionary between shit and syphilis. – David Seadris

The only person I trust is me, and even that is fucking iffy sometimes.

The only person I trust is me, and even that is fucking iffy sometimes.

If her bra matches her panties when you take off her clothes, it wasn't you who decided to have sex.

If her bra matches her panties when you take off her clothes, it wasn’t you who decided to have sex.

Your ass must get jealous of all the shit that comes out of your mouth.

Your ass must get jealous of all the shit that comes out of your mouth.

Expect the bullshit, but never accept it.

Expect the bullshit, but never accept it.

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say: "Hey look... that one is shaped like an idiot".

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say: “Hey look… that one is shaped like an idiot”.

If laughter is the best medicine your face must be curing the world.

If laughter is the best medicine your face must be curing the world.

ME: I'm actually happy right now. LIFE: LOL one sec...

ME: I’m actually happy right now. LIFE: LOL one sec…

The only difference between a good girl and a bad girl is that good girls are very selective who they're bad with.

The only difference between a good girl and a bad girl is that good girls are very selective who they’re bad with.

The word of today is BULLSHIT. No need to spread the word, there is plenty of it going around.

The word of today is BULLSHIT. No need to spread the word, there is plenty of it going around!

I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.

I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.

I am sorry, I didn't realize that you're an expert on my life and how I should live it. Please continue while I take notes.

I am sorry, I didn’t realize that you’re an expert on my life and how I should live it. Please continue while I take notes.

Just be you, and if people don't like it, well fuck them.

Just be you, and if people don’t like it, well fuck them.

Respect your haters. They're the only ones who think you're better than them. - Nicki Minaj

Respect your haters. They’re the only ones who think you’re better than them. – Nicki Minaj

The ideal man doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't do drugs, doesn't swear, doesn't get angry, doesn't exist.

The ideal man doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink, doesn’t do drugs, doesn’t swear, doesn’t get angry, doesn’t exist.

Life is so much easier when you just don't give a shit.

Life is so much easier when you just don’t give a shit.

Every damn day I ask the same three questions. What the fuck is wrong with people? What the fuck was I thinking? Where the fuck is my drink?

Every damn day I ask the same three questions. What the fuck is wrong with people? What the fuck was I thinking? Where the fuck is my drink?

Don't talk to me about shit that happened when I was drunk. "Drunk me" and "Sober me" are not on speaking terms.

Don’t talk to me about shit that happened when I was drunk. “Drunk me” and “Sober me” are not on speaking terms.

Revenge is beneath me. Accident however will happen.

Revenge is beneath me. Accident however will happen.