The world will be a better place if you kick an asshole in the face.
Dear middle finger, thank you for always sticking up for me. Love ya!
The older I get the more everyone can kiss my ass.
Throw lamps at people who need to lighten the fuck up.
Sometimes I enjoy when people stop being friends with me. It's like the garbage took itself out.
Therapy is nice... But screaming FUCK at the top of your lungs for 10 seconds is a lot faster and cheaper.
The thing about smart mother fuckers is that sometimes, they sound like crazy mother fuckers to stupid mother fuckers... - Robert Kirkman
Women don’t fart. They do however shoot tiny puffs of glitter, that sound like a unicorn’s laughter and smell like rainbows.
The older I get the more I come to realize that I just don't care what the hell anyone thinks.
The hard part about being a bartender is figuring out who is drunk and who is just stupid. - Richard Braunstein
You weren't born to just pay bills and die.
The trouble with trouble is, it starts out as fun.
The short answer is NO. The long answer is OH FUCK NO.
They say milk is good for your teeth. You know what else is good for your teeth? Minding your own fucking business.
People hate the truth. Unfortunately for them, the truth doesn't give a shit.
Some people are the human version of period cramps.
What the fuck are birds so excited about at 5am?
Romeo died because of Juliet, Jack died because of Rose. Stay single if you want to live.
The less you give a fuck, the happier you'll be.
SECRET: Something you tell everybody to tell nobody.