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A negative person sees the glass of water as half empty. A positive person sees it as half full. A realistic person adds two shots of whiskey, two cubes of ice and says "cheers".

A negative person sees the glass of water as half empty. A positive person sees it as half full. A realistic person adds two shots of whiskey, two cubes of ice and says “cheers”.

I wonder what chairs think about all day: “Oh, here comes another asshole.” - Robin Williams

I wonder what chairs think about all day: “Oh, here comes another asshole.” – Robin Williams

Just because you’re trash doesn’t mean you can’t do great things. It’s called garbage can, not garbage cannot.

Just because you’re trash doesn’t mean you can’t do great things. It’s called garbage can, not garbage cannot.

When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing”, it doesn’t mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing”, it doesn’t mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

There is nothing quite as painful as suppressing a much needed eye roll.

There is nothing quite as painful as suppressing a much needed eye roll.

You know what’s sexier than a bad boy? A grown ass man with his shit together.

You know what’s sexier than a bad boy? A grown ass man with his shit together.

I’m a huge fan of saying “you’re welcome” really loud when people don’t say thank you.

I’m a huge fan of saying “you’re welcome” really loud when people don’t say thank you.

I plan my whole day around the possibility of a nap.

I plan my whole day around the possibility of a nap.

Of all the poop in the world, who decided that bat shit was the craziest?

Of all the poop in the world, who decided that bat shit was the craziest?

Not my circus, not my monkeys. But I definitely know the clowns.

Not my circus, not my monkeys. But I definitely know the clowns.