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It’s better to be full of whiskey than full of shit.

It’s better to be full of whiskey…

Sometimes I drink to forget, but I never forget to drink.

Sometimes I drink to forget…

I make bad decisions when I'm drunk but the sober ones haven't been that great either.

I make bad decisions…

The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes after mating. While the human female prefers to stretch it out over a lifetime.

The female praying mantis…

I’ve got a better chance finding a unicorn than I do of going through a whole day without dealing with some fucktard.

I’ve got a better chance…

Some bridges aren’t meant to be burned. They’re meant to be blown the fuck up by smitherins.

Some bridges…

Girls mature faster than guys because men don’t usually develop breasts until their mid 40's.

Girls mature faster…

There’s a 50% chance you won’t like me. There’s a 100% chance I won’t change because of it.

There’s a 50% chance…

I think we all need to go out into an empty field and just scream for about an hour.

I think we all need…

I prefer to say selectively social rather than anti - social if you don’t mind.

I prefer to say…