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I’ve found that if you tuck one part of your pant legs into your sock, people expect less of you.

I’ve found…

I’m kinda like the total package that got fucked up through shipping and handling.

I’m kinda like…

Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn't even care that it's on your legs.

Find a man…

It’s better to be full of whiskey than full of shit.

It’s better to be full of whiskey…

Sometimes I drink to forget, but I never forget to drink.

Sometimes I drink to forget…

I make bad decisions when I'm drunk but the sober ones haven't been that great either.

I make bad decisions…

The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes after mating. While the human female prefers to stretch it out over a lifetime.

The female praying mantis…

I’ve got a better chance finding a unicorn than I do of going through a whole day without dealing with some fucktard.

I’ve got a better chance…

Some bridges aren’t meant to be burned. They’re meant to be blown the fuck up by smitherins.

Some bridges…

Girls mature faster than guys because men don’t usually develop breasts until their mid 40's.

Girls mature faster…