Being alone in the toilet is the reminder that you will always be alone when shit happens in your life. Be strong.

Being alone…

Sometimes doing a good job at work is like wetting your pants in a dark suit – you get a warm feeling, but nobody else notices.

Sometimes doing a good job…

Before marrying someone, listen long and hard to the sound of their chewing because that's the soundtrack to the rest of your life.

Before marrying someone…

My life would be so much easier if I wasn't intelligent enough to realize how fucking stupid some people are.

My life would be…

Please don’t confuse my ability to smile / be friendly as a sign of weakness. I keep my integrity intact because my ability to crush you verbally and emotionally quite shocking.

Please don’t confuse…

SARCASM. I sprinkle that shit on everything.

SARCASM…

Things that shouldn’t be broken 1. Hearts, 2. Promises, 3. Condoms

Things that shouldn’t be broken…

You remind me of a software update. Whenever I see you, I usually think "Not now".

You remind me…

Look, I'm a nice person, but I'm not here to take your shit.

Look, I’m a nice person…

Once I get an attitude, it takes me 3-5 business days to fix my face.

Once I get an attitude…