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If liar’s pants really did catch on fire, watching the news would be a lot more fun.

If liar’s pants really did catch on fire…

I could get on your level, but I don’t like being on my knees as much as you do.

I could get on your level…

Life is like a toilet. There’s always an asshole trying to shit on your day.

Life is like a toilet…

It’s not the size of the boot that counts. It’s how far you can shove it up someone’s ass.

It’s not the size of the boot…

FUCK: A precious resource you can choose to give or not to give depending on the circumstances.

FUCK: A precious resource…

Life is like a penis. It’s short, but seems long when it gets hard.

Life is like a penis…

I’ve found that if you tuck one part of your pant legs into your sock, people expect less of you.

I’ve found…

I’m kinda like the total package that got fucked up through shipping and handling.

I’m kinda like…

Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn't even care that it's on your legs.

Find a man…

It’s better to be full of whiskey than full of shit.

It’s better to be full of whiskey…