A negative person sees the glass of water as half empty. A positive person sees it as half full. A realistic person adds two shots of whiskey, two cubes of ice and says “cheers”.
I wonder what chairs think about all day: “Oh, here comes another asshole.” – Robin Williams
Just because you’re trash doesn’t mean you can’t do great things. It’s called garbage can, not garbage cannot.
When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing”, it doesn’t mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
There is nothing quite as painful as suppressing a much needed eye roll.
You know what’s sexier than a bad boy? A grown ass man with his shit together.
I’m a huge fan of saying “you’re welcome” really loud when people don’t say thank you.
I plan my whole day around the possibility of a nap.
Of all the poop in the world, who decided that bat shit was the craziest?
Not my circus, not my monkeys. But I definitely know the clowns.
